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Todrick Hall Recalls Hiding a Boyfriend During ‘American Idol’: “It Would Ruin My Chances at Success”

Todrick Hall at the RuPaul's Drag Race season 15 PremierePhoto by Santiago Felipe/Getty Images

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Todrick Hall is revisiting the moment he secured the Golden Ticket back in American Idol season nine. The pop singer recently reflected on the time that he was keeping the fact he had a boyfriend during the competition.

Todrick Hall Says Getting a Golden Ticket was a “Bittersweet Moment”

Ahead of his audition in 2009, Hall had already attracted a following on YouTube. He had also appeared on Broadway in The Color Purple and several other shows. However, when he stepped in the Idol stage, Hall admitted his confidence wasn’t at its prime.

According to the singer, receiving a Golden Ticket during the time was such a “bittersweet moment.” Apparently, he was advised by the producers to not sing an original song for his audition – one thing he refused to do. While he admitted it was a risky move, he was happy that his “creativity got me through.”

“I remember the first time this aired and I heard someone say, I’m your fan for the first time. It was such a weird feeling to go from being an unrecognizable muggle to someone that someone idolized in an instant,” he wrote.

Hall’s sexuality was not a secret to his family since he was 15. However, when he joined American Idol, he didn’t feel enough courage to out himself.

“But, when I watch my response and my behavior in speaking to them I can just see an uncomfortable young black boy who already came out of the closet, only to feel the pressure to pretend that I hadn’t. The way I was moving and speaking was just so not who I am or even was at the time,” he wrote.

His fear has apparently affected his relationship with his boyfriend at the time, Gareth.

He Thought Outing Himself Would Ruin His Chances of Winning

Recalling his audition, Hall stated he had with him his best friend, Scott Hoying and a few people. While he was in love with his “first true love” then, he didn’t allow Gareth to come with him under the assumption that being gay would hinder the probability of him winning.

“He wanted to go to the audition with me so badly, but I was terrified that if he went I’d be outted and it would ruin my chances at success,” he wrote.

To compensate for his absence, Gareth gave him a white rosary “so his energy could be in the room.” Furthermore, Hall revealed that he even asked his friend Julia to join his mom to lessen the possibility of him appearing gay. Nonetheless, while he now regrets doing so, he’s satisfied with how everything eventually turned out. Now, his bitterness about the past is already a learned lesson.

“It’s just so weird to me now. I’m happy that I did Idol, and happy that it went the way that it did,” he said. “When I got eliminated from that show, I was devastated. Not because of the loss, but because I went out being someone I’m not. I vowed to myself in the car on the way home that I would never deny my true self an opportunity. I’d rather go down in flames as my real self, that go up in lights as someone I’m not.”

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